


Leader-sama.

by saderaladon



Category: Naruto
Genre: Actually everybody is dumb, And Japanese honorifics, And kinda dumb, Apart from Kisame who is a no-bullshit type of guy, Because you see dead people don't really die, Crack, Horrifying amounts of them, If I ever see another text with this couple I'll eat my hat, It's technically necrophilia, Just crazy, M/M, POV First Person, Pain IS a dead body, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, So not creepy, Sorry it was bigger than me, There're also puns, There's a major character death, Translation, You could probably guess that from the pairing, but it's temporary, but not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-07
Updated: 2017-04-07
Packaged: 2018-10-15 20:54:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10557554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saderaladon/pseuds/saderaladon
Summary: Kisame is bored, so he tries to choose one of his comrades to fight and fuck with. Then shit hits the fan.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Лидер-сама.](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/282176) by hatschi waldera. 



> I had a dream. I had a batshit crazy dream in which I, as Kisame, was chasing Pain. Don't ask me why, I have no control over it. So when I woke up I understood that the dream was so deliciously ridiculous that I just had to write it down. And I did. And now I've translated it to spread the disease to the English speaking world. There isn't enough entropy in the Universe, you see.
> 
> As the tags state, Pain is kinda dumb being the dead body that I believe him to be. So he acts like a walking corpse. But I don't think that anybody should be concerned about consent here. Or anything else, like laws of physics. They are things made of murderous goo. Running around in knee-breeches. Commited to nonsense. But they are still entitled to have some fun. :)
> 
> I use "Leader" as a name. So no articles.  
> English is not my native language. Not betad, because who would want to beta read this? Come and threaten me with a hard copy of Merriam-Webster, I'll be so happy. :)

All the members of the criminal organisation under the name Akatsuki were either too dead or too commited to some nonsense. Or, in some really bad cases, both at the same time. Surely, that couldn't make my choice easier: neither characteristic appealed to me. Our plans for the foreseeable future, though, consisted only of sitting around and waiting, so I had to choose. Otherwise I risked going mad.  
Actually, I'd made the choice once before, concluding that a rock and a hard place weren't especially good options. So I'd thought of using another criterion: beauty. It's only reasonable, that if one needed to molest somebody that person should at least be attractive, I'd told myself, opting for Deidara. However, Deidara wasn't only too commited, but also too young: he would occasionally agree to fight with me, if I pestered him enough, but not to fuck. This concept just wouldn't penetrate the bones of his skull, no matter how insistently I tried. I decided to let it go, when we met behind the base, where he busied himself with chewing out a whole army of his clay scarecrows, the sole purpose of which, that he so kindly clarified for me, was to "finish off that faggot Itachi". Of course, at that point I had to ask exactly from what source he draws his information on Itachi's sexual orientation. Deidara then blurted out this:  
— Can't you just see, hm?  
Itachi had been my partner for several years at that time, but, sadly, I could see nothing of the sort.  
— No, not really, at least I can't, — I sighed. — Do you even know what "faggot" means? — I asked him.  
A thoughtfull expression coloured his face:  
— Well, it's, hm… — he said, the gears in his head revolving rapidly. — It's… Well… It's when… Hm…  
— It's what?  
— The fuck should I know, hm! — he shouted, his artificial eye spinning madly. — But faggots must get finished, hm!  
Who wouldn't let it go after this? I definitely did.

And that's how I found myself sitting in a room full of my comrades-in-arms at whom I was staring now in a not so polite fashion. Clockwise it went like this: attractive, but very commited and already dying Itachi, who still didn't look like a faggot to me; the attractive, but commited and overly _paper_ Woman; the dead and commited master of puppets (the rumors were that, although ugly on the outside, he was much more pleasing to the eye on the inside, but I wasn't the one to believe the idle chitchat); attractive, but way too homophobic at such a young age Deidara; the attractive and not only commited, but simply insane cult member; the maybe not quite dead yet, but certainly smelly and greedy Kakuzu, the talk of whom suggested that in his case the inside matched the outside precisely (I considered trusting it this time); attractive, but undoubtedly dead and excessively commited Leader. Zetsu, who seemed to originate from a different equation, being neither dead nor especially commited, wasn't present, so, luckily, I didn't have to go through all the considerations about him not being suited for my needs again. These thoughts happened to always lead to a dark room, where he gnawed on various parts of my body, which, in my opinion, didn't consitute a worthy end of a fight and even more so of a fuck, so I wasn't very keen on pondering it.  
The situation, nevertheless, was becoming hopeless. For every "what about?" of mine a "yes, but" popped into my head, so I was growing more and more depressed with every passing minute. Something had to be done. A fourth criterion might be needed, I thought to myself.  
At first the chosen criterion seemed wrong, with a potential to mess things up drastically, but when it came down to business I managed to pick one member of the criminal organisation in question that pissed me off most quite easily, to my own surprise: I hated them all, of course, and yet there was the only one who was responsible for the shit I found myself in, and that person was our beloved Leader. It wasn't because of somebody else, no, it was exactly because of this particular megalomaniac that I had to endure hours after hours of sitting in the room full of my deeply hated comrades-in-arms.  
— Leader-sama, — I started, unexpectedly loud, — let's fight each other, what do you say?  
The comrades-in-arms turned their annoying heads towards me, all of them at the same time, as if commanded to. Leader also lifted his face and looked at me intently.  
— What for? — he finally asked after a few minutes of this.  
— To see who wins, — I shrugged.  
— I will, — he immediately replied.  
— Of course, Leader will win, — the Paper Woman interfered.  
— That's for fucking sure! — a horselaugh escaped Hidan's mouth.  
— Leader is not some faggot, like other… faggots, hm! — Deidara added his share.  
Things were escalating quickly.  
— But what if you use only one body! — I suggested, stuttering. I was desperate: the next one on the list of You Piss Me Off Most was Hidan, and in all honesty I wasn't very happy with the prospect.  
Everybody became silent. Leader just kept staring at me.  
— Then I might lose, — he inferred. — But I also might win.  
Who would've guessed, I thought, we have a moron as our Leader.  
— He might lose, but also might win, get it, Hoshigaki? — Hidan chortled again.  
The idea of beheading myself with Samehada suddenly became much more appealing. Or maybe a seppuku. The choice was mine.  
— I agree, — Leader announced.  
— What?  
— I agree, I said, — he repeated. — Let's fight.  
And then he moved us into the forest not far from the base. I couldn't fathom why he bothered to bring the rest of the crowd with us — the said crowd was growing more and more agitated: Kakuzu offered to place the bets — but a soldier doesn't argue with his Leader. He created a grandstand for viewers and turned to me.  
— Proceed, — he said. — Fight.  
I unwraped the sword.  
To fight Leader was surprisingly fun: he was, no doubt, quite dead, so I could bludgeon him as violently as my heart desired, and about myself I was never too concerned: the wounds always healed in an instant.  
I heard Deidara shouting from the grandstand:  
— I want to go up too, Danna! Lift me up! You have a tail, don't you, hm? — he went on, pointing at Hidan, who was currently up in the air, dangling in Kakuzu's threads.  
— It's poisoned, — Sasori screeched.  
At that point Leader pressed me into the ground. When I got up, it was Deidara dangling in the threads, while Hidan was impaled on Sasori's poisoned tail, screaming, that he doesn't give a fuck that it is. Leader was about to put a hole in my stomach with one of his black receivers, but I managed to block his attack with Samehada. I chuckled. The things were going great.  
— Why are you laughing, Kisame? — Leader asked in that dismal voice of his. The things weren't going so great for him, apparently.  
— Because it's fun! — I replied, puzzled.  
— How can it be fun when the world is full of pain? — his voice reached a new depth of morbidity.  
— Well, Leader-sama, — I said, kicking him in the knee, — the world is not a bed of roses, sure, but one must allow oneself to get distracted from time to time.  
— Get distracted? — Leader asked again, his fist meeting my forehead.  
The world did fill with pain, but I kept insisting:  
— You cannot always worry about the world, Leader-sama! You'd just bite the dust if you try.  
Leader examined me carefully from head to toe:  
— I actually can, Kisame.  
Of course, he could! Leader had not one, but six additional bodies, and at least one of those was sulking at any given time.  
— But let's say you couldn't, Leader-sama. What if you couldn't? — I offered, screwing his arm out.  
— What if I couldn't? — He asked again with a strained groan.  
— Yes, Leader-sama, — I replied politely, — imagine there's just one of you, only one, you'd definitely have to get distracted if it were the case.  
He wriggled out of my grip. I wasn't sure if I he found my reasoning sound, but he started fighting more enthusiastically. To be honest, he did it with such a gusto, that there was nothing more left for me to do but run away from him in circles, looking in all directions at once (not exactly at once, Leader's voice in my head informed me; fuck off, I told him). He might actually kill me, if we continue this way, I understood. I was no boy, but I did have a strong belief that it wasn't yet my time to go, so I had to win the fight somehow.  
Leader, though now immersed in our sparring match, was a consistent person by nature: he'd catch me with his jutsu, toss me up in the air and then force my poor body down, then he'd tear me off the ground, lift me and force me down again and again. The comrades-in-arms, who were immersed in the match even more than Leader, all lined up on the groundstand, whooping: my flight up was accompanied by raising their joined hands and an "oooooh!", my swift descend — by hands going down and an "uuuuuh!" The fifth time I was performing my journey Samehada fell out of my hand, and I went down with such a velocity that the shared cheer of comrades-in-arms terminated on the third "u".  
Oh, I thought and grabbed the sword. Now I only had to be caught by Leader again.  
— I won, — he declared after several minutes.  
I stood in front of him, the rock behind my back, the rock, onto which he, undoubtedly, was planning to imprint me, first dragging me closer to him to achieve deadly acceleration. I knew I'd succeed.  
Leader started the jutsu. The invisible force dragged me to him, the crowd shouted in vile excitement. I let go of Samehada. It hit the ground, biting my fingers goodbye, and I slammed into Leader, shoving the kunai I'd previously hidden under my cloak into his solar plexus with a generosity I don't usually find in myself.  
— You, — I said, creating an expressionist picture out of his guts, — You lost, Leader-sama.  
Leader raised his head to inspect the stomach with his dreadfully dull gaze.  
— You shouldn't have cooked a shark before catching it, — I added and smashed Samehada, who always had a good timing, right into his face.  
The things really were going great.  
— The fuck?! — Hidan screamed, jumping off a branch.  
— Indeed, — Kakuzu concurred, following him.  
Others showed up too. Another one of the six bodies emerged too, summoned that huge ugly Face of Resurrection, it chewed Leader's corpse in and then spat out a new one, who, whole now, but undoubtedly dead, cofirmed:  
— I lost.  
And he shifted us back to the base.

I decided against instigating any sequels to the story, but it wrote itself. Few weeks later I returned from a mission and went straight into my room to brush Samehada's teeth. My thoughts on how it would be nice to swim right now were interrupted by Leader, to whom the notion of knocking was apparently foreign.  
— Kisame, — he said, — let's fight.  
— What for? — I asked, squinting at him.  
— To get distracted, — he shrugged.  
I scratched my head:  
— You know, Leader-sama, I've just returned from a mission.  
— I know, — he acknowledged my statement.  
— A fight is a poor distraction to a fight.  
He looked at me, inspecting.  
— Anyway, there're other ways to get distracted.  
— Other ways? — he asked again as always.  
— Yeah… I, for one thing, am going to have a swim.  
Leader stood there silent for several minutes. I finished with Samehada.  
— Alright, let's swim, — he invited himself and moved us to the lake.

After taking his clothes off the attractive, but undoubtedly dead and excessively commited Leader became even more attractive. I whistled, he didn't understand, I let it go and went into the lake. After a few circles I noticed that he was still standing on the shore.  
— Why aren't you swimming, Leader-sama? — I asked him, curious.  
— How do I do that?  
I spread my hands, not quite believing what I'd heard:  
— Well… You go into the water…  
He went in, ankle deep, and stopped abruptly.  
— Further, — I said.  
Leader went further — knee deep, waist, torso, shoulders… His ginger head disappeared under the water before I could say anything. I dived: he was standing there, staring at me intently. I managed not to burst out in laughter right there and then and dragged him closer to the shore. He kept staring at me.  
— You're doing it wrong, — I explained my point.  
— How do I do it right?  
— Well… When you get in waist deep just lift your feet and swim… Move in the water… Aflat…  
Clearly, I was the shittiest swimming teacher the world had ever known, because Leader would flounder, staggering helplessly, he'd flail, twist and turn, accidently punching me in the gut with his elbow, and sink like a dead weight he essentially was.  
— Oh, damn you, Leader-sama! Aren't you a shinobi? Just look at me, damn you, and repeat! It isn't a fucking ninjustu, damn you! — I started shouting at the end.  
In five minutes he finally swam, paddling like a dog, his face plunged in the water.  
At least that's something, I thought, completed three more circles and went out.  
Leader soon followed, splashing his attractive wet legs through the sand, and loomed over me like a tower, showing his palm:  
— Here.  
— What's the matter, Leader-sama?  
— Here, look, my fingers.  
His fingers wrinkled in rinnegan-like stripes. Not so dead after all, I thought, surprised.  
— It's fine, Leader-sama. Have a seat.  
He did. Few minutes passed in silence.  
— Not really, — he said out of the blue.  
— What? — I asked.  
— I didn't get distracted, not really. The fight was better.  
I snorted:  
— Tastes differ, Leader-sama. And, as I said, there're other ways to get distracted.  
— What ways? — he demanded, staring at me point blank.  
— Oh… Like, one could have a drink… Or play some poker…  
His eyes were definitely making me uncomfortable.  
— Or have a drink…  
— You're repeating yourself.  
— Right… Or, yes, one could fuck…  
— Fuck?  
— Yes, fuck, Leader-sama.  
He closed his mouth, not averting his gaze.  
— Alright, — he dragged out slowly, — Let's fuck then.  
I felt stunned. He, on the other hand, clearly felt intent on drilling a hole in my skull with his eyes.  
— Proceed, — he ordered. — Fuck.  
I quickly looked at him again. He was still the same very dead (not so dead, his voice remarked in my head; fuck off, I raised an objection to that) and overly commited, yet attractive Leader. Come hell or high water, I thought and stroked his shoulder. Chest. Leg. Back. My dick, I have to admit, was hard in a matter of seconds. After the second cycle of stroking his sprang to attention too. I felt stunned again, he was only staring at me vacantly in silence.  
— Could you… Leader-sama, could you, maybe… — I mumbled.  
— What?  
— Well… Touch… Oh, just repeat after me, — I said.  
He did that. Actually, he did that rather well. Topnotch. I groaned.  
— Could you, maybe, lie on your back, Leader-sama, — I proposed, pushing my luck.  
He did.  
— And could you spread your legs…  
He spread his legs.  
— And, maybe, lift them up a bit…  
He obediently lifted his legs, offering me a clear view of his crotch.  
— Fuck, — I blurted out. — Fuck, Leader-sama…  
— Excuse me? — he asked.  
— Ah, doesn't matter, — I said and shoved my saliva covered finger up his ass.  
It went in smoothly, the same did the second one. Leader was puffing out air, like a giant kettle full of boiling water.  
— You can moan, if you want, — I was feeling generous again.  
— Do I? Want? — he asked, genuinely curious.  
— I think you do, — I replied honestly.  
— Weeeee, — he squealed.  
— Maybe a deeper tone, Leader-sama, — I suggested.  
— Uuuuuff.  
— Not that deep, though, Leader-sama.  
— Aaaah… Ooooh…  
A talented bastard, I thought, spread the spit over my dick and slammed into him.  
— Aaaah!  
— Leader-sa…  
— Ooooh!  
— Fuck, Leade…  
I jerked on top of him to some imaginary jazz tune. He arched, sometimes hitting his head too hard against the ground. It's good that he's dead, I thought.  
It's good he isn't so dead, I reconsidered after a minute.  
— Ah! Oh!  
He suddenly gripped me by the shoulders.  
— Leader-sama? — I growled affectionately.  
— I want it to stop, — he said.  
— What? — I asked, slowing down. — You want me to stop?  
— No! — he chuffed out. I eagerly resumed my thrusts.  
— I want it to stop, — he said again.  
— What do you mean, damn you, Leader-sama?  
— I don't know, — he admitted. — This… Ah! This thing… All… Oh! To stop… I want it to stop.  
Oh, I thought and pushed in harder.  
— Is it about to stop? — I asked after a short while.  
— It seeeeah! It seems, oh, yes, — he replied, hitting his head against the ground and coming. Who would've guessed, sperm, I thought and came too.

When I recovered he'd already managed to dig his way from under my body (I am talented, Leader's voice bragged in my head; oh, you are indeed, I played along) and stood looming over me fully dressed with the usual dullness on his face.  
— It's time for me to leave, — he said.  
— Of course, Leader-sama, — I responded.  
— The world is full of pain, — he added.  
— That's right, Leader-sama, — I agreed.  
He made a step away and started the sequence of seals for the shift.  
— Kisame? — He called my name before leaving.  
— Yes, Leader-sama?  
— Will I want to get distracted in this way again? What do you think?  
— I'd say, you most definitely will, Leader-sama.  
— Alright, — he nodded, — I'll put in my schedule then.  
— You do that, — I nodded too. — You do exactly that.  
He shifted away. I got up, groaning, and ran into the lake. The things were going great like they'd never done before in my entire life.


End file.
